Feather's Reflection (an excerpt from Two's Day)

by: K. Jefferson

In the gift, I am ever present...

living and dying.

rising and falling.

victor and victim.

mother and father.

sage and scientist.

savior and saboteur.

ailment and cure.

creator and destroyer.

selfless and self-centered.

odd and even.

a free-spirited embodiment.

evolved animal. devolving human.

enlightened and gravity bound.

patron saint of all & nothing.

surely uncertain.

pretty ugly.

black & blue and black & yella.

his and hers.

anti-social...but her fly (butterfly).

formidable and feeble.

friend and foe.

lover and loather.

unknown knower.

a wolf in wool.

purely concentrated.

simply complex.

clearly ambiguous.

still rotating. 

over and under.

in and out.

outside and in between.

ex and why.

knight mares and day ZzZz's.

Feather (an excerpt from "Two's Day")

What follows is an extremely brief excerpt from an impending writing project, I am currently working to complete. The body of work is tentatively titled, "Two's Day".

by: K. Jefferson

"Fly," she said to me, gently brushing aside a stray strand of undercolor, while adjusting and grooming my wings.

I wanted with all my heart to do so. Yet, my fear was an anchor around my ankles, holding me captive to the laws of gravity.

"Forget reality as you know it now...as you've always known it. Open yourself only to the endless possibilities of it all. Do not believe for a moment that any of it is concrete, for that very moment will be your undoing...and the fall will be very real," she urged.

I trusted her. A trembling right hand slipped into hers. She squeezed it reassuringly. "And whatever you do, don't go against the wind. Glide with it. Feel it beneath you. Be one with it," she instructed.

I shook my head nervously; an elementary gesture. I felt childish for being afraid. Me, the dare devil. The rogue. The silently audacious one who endeavoured to defy the odds, now nothing more than a wincing ninny.

Before I could delve further into my self-negating mental banter, she whispered "it is time," in barely audible brain-speak. I could not have predicted the push, though I should have expected it. My equilibrium flew off-center. A clever betrayal. Damn her! Or more appropriately, she damned me.

It registered moments after she shoved me off of the cloud. Moments far too late to be avenged. The fall would last forever, and it would be very real.

And so, I am Feather; an entity catapulted from the clouds by the hands of Grace.

My story begins as an end.

Channel Surfer

I don't have anything divine to say. Incidentally, I never do. It's all random outpourings to me.

Spirit eggs the mind on. The mind controls the rest of me. I obey. . . and you get blogs, songs, poems, sporadic conversation, and all other manner of whateverness as a result.

Thank the Great Beyond.

I'm just channeling.

And most times, I generally have no idea what I'm doing as I ride the wave.


- kj

Conversations With The Sun

by: k. jefferson



"So what does it mean?" he asks me, wide-eyed and curious, on yesterday as he studies my tattoo.

"It's the Om symbol. It means the seen/unseen, manifest/unmanifest, omnipotent/omnipresent, oneness/wholeness, the absolute...everything there was, is, and ever will be. I chant it "Om" when I meditate to connect with the universe."

"Why that one?" he probes.

"Well, because it symbolizes what phase I'm approaching in life right now. . . and well. . . since tattoos are pretty permanent and I have no regrets in life, in a way it also symbolizes how strongly I'm committing myself to what it stands for."

"I see. So what does the old one on your foot mean?" he continues.

"That one's a symbol for the word 'Rebel'," I reply.

"And so why that one? And why on your foot?" he presses on.

"Because...when a person takes that first step towards enlightenment, initially they rebel in a sense. They are choosing in that moment to go against the grain. You often go through a process of learning and seeking greater knowledge but also un-learning or rejecting everything you've been taught. It's like your eyes are opening for the first time and everything you thought to be true about the world, you soon discover, is not at all what you've been programmed to think it is. You start going around trying to tell everyone to know about this "new" knowledge you've acquired. You quote texts & can cite scriptures, books, documents, you've read. You have a point to prove. So, you're a rebel then. . . but that is the first step. A baby step. That's why it's on my foot...the lowest part of my body."

"Okay, I see." he nods. "And so now you have the Om symbol."

"Yes, I have the Om symbol now...because I've grown out of that old phase over the years, and I've been slowly transitioning over to this new one. It's higher up on my body. On my hand. . . my right one. . . my dominant hand that I do everything with - especially write and create. The right brain controls the left side - which is subconscious/creative/abstract/dream energy and the left brain controls the right side of the body - which is conscious/analytical/logical/physical energy. Since my right hand is my writing hand (controlled by the left brain), I want to always use it as a weapon for good.

I want what I'm doing in this life to have a positive impact in the long run. I want to reach people and access something deep inside them. I don't want to be just another person simply existing while seeing the conditions of the world and doing nothing about it. . . moving on with some insignificant personal life, and getting wrapped up in shit that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, while there's so much on the planet that needs healing. I want to be a bridge...a connection...something that unites different social classes, religions & races of people. I need to see that happen.

I need to experience true inner peace. That's where I'm at right now...and as I slide further over into this stage, I know one of the main lessons is to first achieve that peace within myself before I can mirror it in the world around me. Mastery through discipline, mental clarity, meditation, focus, humanitarianism, selfless acts, patience, peaceful resolution, philosophy, universal love, etc...and no longer by force, coercion, debates, protest, competition, a need to prove one's self/worth, egotism & rebellion. I need to feel "one" with it all...but I can't if it's all scattered and divided. So I have to do my part to help change that...inside me first though. Then out there." I explain...forgetting that he's just a boy for a moment and probably doesn't comprehend all of this.

I was wrong for doubting him.

He grabs my hand from across the bed and squeezes it as he stares over at me. "So it's more than just a tattoo. It's like a barrier. It channels your energy but helps you keep it under control. The left side is already calm. You know how to use it already. You're comfortable with that side.That's why you're putting them on the right side...to help you balance. I understand..."

He does.

And I love him even more for it.

He must have felt the thought when it surfaced. Half kneeling & half laying on the bed, he gets up from his spot, walks around to where I am sitting on the bed, and hugs me tightly.

No more words between us. We stay this way for several minutes...until I break the awkward silence humorously (as I always do whenever I'm nervous or afraid of feeling too vulnerable), "I'm sorry that your mother's a hippy."

He shakes his head, and asks jokingly,"Who are you? Are you my mother?". Then continues with, "Cuz you're saying that like something's wrong with it," as he stares at me.

I smile while holding back tears I don't want him to see. He leaves the room for a moment, watery eyed.

I cry for the 2nd time in one day (which is so overwhelming & out of character for me - lol). I wipe my eyes and clear my throat before he steps back in.

The moment is done. Another experience has been gained, and will be filed in the deep recesses of our memory banks forever.

I go back to hiding behind my armor as means of protection while I do my part to ensure the world's a better place....for him...and for all the suns & moons of the future.

"Let's watch a movie," I suggest.

Back to normal. Or so I thought.

"So...when are you getting another one?" he asks before we move on.

I tell him, "When it's time."



- kj

Gibberish

by: K. Jefferson

I sometimes want to express things, and can't find the words. In those moments, I often let my mind pour out what it wants to. I figure if I keep my fingers moving as I type whatever random thought that comes to mind, perhaps the chaos will organize itself and well.. form a cohesive point. Almost like a sloppy free association practice. Let's see what comes out:

Fee Fi Fo Fum. Freedom. Dee Dum. We bum. Bomb. Ton. Nun. Stun gun. Sting ray. Bengal. Tiger. Liger. Lion. Zebra. Gazelle. Serengetti. Nubia. Nile. Kemet. Pyramid. Sirus B. Dogon. Dog star. Polar opposites. Populace. Humanity. Insanity's definition. Einstein. Mankind. Self Destruct. Tilt. Balance. Challenge. Chalice. Malice. Salad. Phallus. Dallas. Maverick. Average. Cabbage. Patch. Kids. E.T. Gee Whiz. Cheese Whiz. They still make that? It was the shit back in the 90's. In Living Color. Fly girls. Dance routines. Schedules. Daily grind. Outta time. 1999. Prince. Michael. Prince Michael. Blanket. Lionus. Snoopy. Goofy. Scooby Doo. Scrappy was wack. Marmaduke. Ma Dukes. Street light hoops. Shirts & skins. GAME...BLOUSES. Trousers. Britches <-- Grandma. Country. Southern. Cornbread. Skillet. Fish grease. Did you fry the chicken in that too? And you saved it on the stove? Crisco can. Canned goods. Food drive. I need to call that Women's shelter. Volunteer. Tears upon deaf ears. She needs it more than I do. Give. Live. Live. Give. Gifts. Christmas. List us. This? Must. Materialism celebrated. Spend spend spend! Consumers 'r Us. Toys. Jeffrey the Giraffe. Aww . . Hearts. False starts. Start again. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. Do not adjust your stereo. Lab. Cab. Californication. Play Station. 360. Live. Wii Wee. Jive. Pee Wee. Herman Memorial. Service. Church of God on the mountaintop speaking to a blind man about what he saw on Maury last week. End. Begin. Again. Begin again. Beginning? End? Or just continue....

Gibberish.

Passengers on the Train of Thought

by: K. Jefferson

Ran into a friend/co-worker on the train yesterday; a wonderful Piscean woman I know whose energy I absolutely adore. There's just something to the Aries-Pisces connection that is marked by abstract thought, intuition, an unconventional take on spirituality, the unseen themes behind external events, and the ability to freakin' read each others' minds & spirits at all times. LOL... I'm sure the females I am closely connected with are laughing and nodding as they read this.

We represent the Alpha-Omega principle. Aries being the beginning of a cycle and Pisces signifying the ending of a cycle before the ascension into a new one (started over by Aries again)... and the cycles continue. We inherently understand that life is series of infinite cycles of change (or deaths & rebirths). We ensure that it keeps happening. It must.

Anyway, so as we're riding on the train (of thought - perhaps, in the grand design), the conversation sparks up randomly about our personal connections with people - especially romantically. What was both reaffirmed by both of us by the end of it, was as follows... and it is not law. It is just our realization based on our experiences and observations in life. And life is the most divine teacher.

A person is a symbol. Beyond what you see, they are a combination of qualities, attributes, elements, and energies....each individual as unique as a fingerprint, though bound by the same life force/source. As we connect with one another in life, we share those combinations with each other.

I am beginning to believe more and more through experience, analysis, observation, meditation and opening myself up more to channel divine wisdom, that our connections (friendships, relationships, affairs, encounters, etc) represent lessons at each turn. We don't realize it as we're going through the experience with that person at the time. It is usually in hindsight that it hits us, and the jigsaw falls into place revealing a more complex puzzle that spans on into the distant relative future.

Often times, we have a tendency to try to force people to be what we want them to be or yearn for situations to turn out the way we want them to. However, there's an ultimate design. That person or situation was what who/what they needed to be, when/where they needed to be it. They had a specific mission and purpose for presenting themselves to you at a specific point in time in your life.

Perhaps they represent qualities that you need to reactivate within yourself. Maybe they possess the structure that you'd like to solidify in your own life. Further still, some people are meant to test your abilities. Are you really as strong, spiritual, successful, principled, faithful, loyal, loving, virtuous, honest, generous, etc. as you claim to be?

"Let's see what you've got," those last types of energies/people seem to say to us subconsciously. Ex: That horrible situation where your partner criticizes every quality you possess, makes you doubt everything about yourself, preying heavily on your insecurities, could serve to pull out the will in you to find the beauty within yourself...and when you find it, you move on - leaving that situation (lesson) behind.

What we have to understand is that we are more than man, woman, black, white, human, earthling, ... we are life energy. And life energy is infinite and can not ever completely be contained - nor does it ever truly die. It regenerates itself through another birth into something else.

So as much as we'd like to keep the people in our lives on a leash, control them, hold them too tightly, etc...we do not own them. They have free will to choose their own course, and we can not keep them from their lessons. Let us always be reminded of that at every juncture.

Embrace the energy when it presents itself.  Surrender yourself to the sights, sounds and sensations of the experience. Use your intuition to instinctively notice when it's time to act or be still or ebb & flow. And when it's time to let go, thank the experience for finding you and do so...or you'll stunt your own growth.

The Creator/Destroyer/Life Force is omniscient (ever present). It is everywhere, in everything (including us), at every turn, in every moment. From the cosmos to the grain of sand to that crackhead on the corner to the dancer in the strip club to the micro-organisms. . . all of it. I call it "God" for the sake of conversation.

But that label sounds infantile. One can not confine the unfathomable and bind it to a name or concrete entity. Know that, like you, the people we come into contact with are a part of that same energy.


Blossom.



- kj

Of Love & Obligation

by: k. jefferson

A friend and I had this discussion a while back. I was in this dilemma of the heart, torn within myself, and there never seemed to be any resolution. Perhaps one of you reading this can offer up words.

Allow me to paint a scenario, if you will.

There is someone in your life who's now become a very close friend over the years. They're considerate, thoughtful, mannerable, always there for you in times of need, you can communicate with them, etc. They are all the things you'd desire in a potential partner.

However...and there's always that "however". You expected it, didn't you? lol... However, in your heart of hearts, you know there is something missing. That spark. That mutual chemistry. That feeling of  "this is the one...and no matter what challenges we have to go through to make it work, I'm willing to sacrifice for the sake of creating something beautiful with him/her."

And no matter how much you'd like for your close friend to fill that position, you know deep down in the long run, it wouldn't fit. . . because you know yourself and what truly makes you happy and keeps you engaged/involved better than anyone else.

They've expressed they want more in the past...i.e. exclusivity and possibly a relationship. You've expressed in a matter of words that you're just not there with them. When your needs don't quite match up, it's certainly not a solid foundation to base any relationship on. You back away, because being around them feels too painful at times, knowing that you don't want what they want. You don't want to lead them on.

Still there's a part of you that feels almost obligated to be with this person because of all the wonderful things about them. A part of you that feels like they've done everything to deserve you. They've put in major work. They've earned a right to be in your life. And you want them there...just not necessarily in that capacity. You've thought about it several times. Even battled yourself internally about it. . . but something just doesn't add up, and deep down you know it...but you feel like you may be cheating yourself out of something special if you let the moment pass you by.

So the question that begs to be anwered is this... In situations such as these, what do you do? Do you wait and perhaps someday platonic love will grow into romantic love (for lack of a better term)? Do you risk trying out a relationship with them to see what happens, possibly damaging your friendship if it doesn't turn out right in the future? Do you back away altogether and let go of a wonderful, beautifully spirited friend who you absolutely want in your life to some degree? By wanting to hold on to our friendship, am I indirectly blocking the way for the right person to come into both of our lives?

Why does it have to be so confusing?

Signed,
The Student of Life...and the Queen of Hearts.

past 10

past 10

by: k. jefferson  

leaky pen

while i lie fallow

vs you wallowing

in shallower ends

trying to comprehend

how i stay afloat in bottomless.

question is

what quest you in?

fancy car'd pedestrian or

molasses assed meandering

on paths where winds

turn zephyr

weather channeling

my inner jackson - never

land

greater cuz'a lesser thans

equate it to math

the 9 path laughs

a compact freelance

to calm the dance

of past 10's past tense...

I...

Woke up. Put my headphones on. Closed my eyes. Meditated. This is what came out.

I...

In the beginning there was the sound resting neatly amid the heavy, but not bound by it. It found peace in weightlessness, namelessness, formlessness...an unidentifiable vibration that only sought to be "one".

Yet, there it stood, sticking out like sore thumbs or stray brows. A rainbow hiding itself for protection. Defense mechanisms proven faulty...when it opened its mouth...and sang.

Its conflict with Self formed sparks during combat that quickly knew themselves as stars. Their hearts pulsating, giving way to life-forming frequencies.

There is power in the slightest utterances. Once spoken, motion is set into play. Regrets are as much a waste of energy as a discarded yesterday that can not be recycled. So it avoided them and settled on a present tense "this is good". . . and rested.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several millenia later, I'm...the result.

The thought that was a rainbow cloaking itself in invisibility who broke its silence unintentionally was a shadow no more when it became sound, elements, star/solar systems uniting as galaxies, life-sustaining planets, earth, soul, human, seed of father that made it to mother's egg, child thereof, female, Aries, 1st born on the 5th day preceeding Resurrection (Easter).

Kimberly they named her...and so Kimberly it became.

And it was good.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several years later, I...multiplied the result.

- K. Jefferson

Letters to Self

Instead of blogging all of my Letters to Self posts, I've been keeping up with them by saying things to myself each day. Too much to type out in the midst of daily life.

My inner dialogue has grown though.

Dream Log Entry 11.09.11 - The Beginning

just had the weirdest dream that there was an urgent news flash re: a HUGE ufo that was spotted.

satellites had captured footage of it entering our atmosphere & in the blink of an eye, it zipped down into the ocean & thru the ocean floor into the earth's crust, causing earthquake/tsunami. people were panicking saying it's the end.

the voice that always speaks to me in my dreams said, "no, this has always happened. you're just ready to see it now...it's only the beginning."

To: Self...With Love - #2

Dear Self:

Wasn't yesterday a breath of fresh air? The world seemed upright and not nearly as garbled and joy-eating as it often appears.

The art at the Project Row Houses reawakened you, I see. And to think, you almost changed your mind and decided not to go...but life found a way to draw you there.

The community embraced you. Their energy was like CPR for the soul. You had drowned. . . but to be devoured by struggle is not your destiny. Thus, those who share some of your experiences brought you back.

Art is life, my dear. Living is an artform. Blur the line.

Stay afloat.

With Love,
Me

To: Self...With Love - #1

Dear Self:

Where do I begin? Where do I end? Headphones glued to your ears again, I see. Yet another night of mentalism. Are you tuning the world out or tuning in?

And my, what self scrutinizing skills you have. The better to analyze and correct your course with, I suppose. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no move that you could possibly make that should be followed with regret.

Live...and by all means...let someone in. It's long overdue. Put a welcome mat at the door. Not a pit bull.

You're smiling now. A'tta girl.

By the way, I love you. Flaws and all...even when you're moody, insecure or sullen. Never forget it.

With Love,
Me

Dream Log Entry 02.24.11 - Read Between the Lions (Lines)

I woke up abruptly, head throbbing and heart pumping. I couldn't find my laptop fast enough, and in a clumsy fury, I stubbed my toe (yet again) on that ugly black tv stand I've been meaning to replace. Found it. 


It is so crucial for me to document my dreams as soon as I wake up. This way, the memories are still fresh. I can still vividly feel & describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, colors, emotions, numbers, conversations or anything significant that stood out or was out of place. 


What follows is a recount of yet another lion dream. If you know me personally, then you know that lions are recurring dream figures for me. So here goes nothing... 

The sun and I were walking on what at first seemed a busy street. Then all at once the street resembled a field with high grass in the distance, and our path changed from asphalt to a trail. There were people walking with us, though I could not make out their faces. They seemed of no real significance.

There was all at once an overwhelming feeling that we were being watched.  Stalked, even. My heart began pumping rapidly, and I whispered "Whatever you do, don't run. If we do, it will chase us and probably catch & kill us. It's hardwired to hunt. So remain calm."

I felt it inching closer. So close that I could hear it breathing. It was toying with us...wanted us to know it was there now, even. Intimidation tactics. It was daring us to run. I clenched the sun's hand in mine to reinforce the fact that we should not. No sooner than I did that, the people around us broke their silence and scattered, running frantically in all directions. As a result, the lion seemed to laugh when he roared and gave chase. The screams became muffled as he caught them one by one. Easily.

We continued on. Composed, hand-in-hand (my left holding his right), and determined to live.

He returned to us and resumed his previous activity of walking behind us. This time, a little closer. And this time, the scene changed again. There was no field anymore. No trail either. Now, we were in a public place it seemed. As we walked, people stared in a frightened stupor as the lion tagged along behind us. They dropped whatever they were holding, mouths agape. Some of them screamed and ran. Others were frozen where they stood.

We remained calm. No sudden movements. Heads high. Nervousness contained. The lion edged closer. I could feel his breath now, as he reached his snout out and nudged my right hand with his nose. It took everything in me not to jump in fear. . . but his actions reminded me of a dog's when it wants you to pet it.

I took a chance and slid my hand from its nose to its head. He had a huge, thick mane of coarse hair. I scratched his head lightly as I ran my fingers through it, and slowly ceased walking. The sun followed suit. He began gently rubbing its back as I continued to rub its head. The lion sat down and began to almost purr.

He opened his mouth to yawn, exposing its incredibly long & sharp teeth. Then it spoke to me. "I could've eaten you, ya know. In fact, I wanted to. But you're different. I like you. . . Why didn't you run from me? Everyone does." He said curiously.

"I don't know. Ordinarily, I would have. But it seemed stupid to do so this time. I thought it would probably make you angrier and you'd chase us and kill us." I replied. I didn't feel frightened or nervous anymore as I engaged him.

"I see. . . I didn't want any of them. The others, I mean. That guy. That woman. Those other meaningless bobble heads. They're so typical. . . Buuut, it was all in good fun, I suppose." he said arrogantly.

"Killing them, you mean? That was good fun?" I was repulsed.

"No. That's never fun. But the chase...I live for it. It's exhilarating. That is, until I catch them.. .  And I always do. . . Now, you on the other hand. . . you ran before. . . you walked this time. . .and now you're standing here. . .  yet you're still hard to catch. I think I'll keep you."

"No, quite the contrary. I'll keep you." I replied. He smiled, a large flattered grin and suddenly his mane disappeared and he transformed into a younger male lion.

"See? Nothing to be afraid of. Feel my teeth." he opened his mouth, and I stuck my hand in to touch them. "If I wanted to kill you, I could have. In fact, I would have already done so by now. . . very easily too. But I won't hurt you. I'm really very harmless."

At that moment, a mean old woman came over to us and said, "Oh I see you've found him. We were taking him to the zoo and he escaped. We caught him in the wild and we were gonna try to domesticate him, but we might have to put him down. He keeps going crazy. I'll call the team so we can pick him up and euthanize him."  So matter-of-fact was her tone.

"I can't let you take him. He's mine. I'll take care of him." I protested.

"I won't go back with them. I'm meant to be free. Maybe I'll just kill her..." said the lion.

"No. That's how they want you to behave. Be civil and sensible." I told him.

We snuck away as the woman turned her head to call for help. Disappearing off to who knows where. The dream voice said to me as I was waking up, "Read between the lions..."

I thought, Huh? Like the show on PBS? Then it hit me...and I typed this.

She. Me. We.

She is who I was many moons ago, before I became the me I am now. She is relevant; a shining testament of what once was. What's more, she was some other me before then, and the one before her was an offspring of its predecessor.

She smiles back at me in the photograph. Past, meet your present. I am a 'now' with the future in mind.

I have learned yesterday's secrets. They went over my head then. Rightfully so; I wasn't ready. In truth, I would've squandered their value. They are reference points now.

I am learning to gift wrap the present and offer it up in exchange for tomorrows that make more sense. Such is the way of growth, I suppose...each level mounting the back of the former in building block fashion until a grand pyramid of some not so distant higher self is erected.

She smiles at me still. . . knowing all of this somehow. A suspended ageless remnant, frozen in some happy moment in time. They probably told her to 'say cheese' on the count of 3.

Her sunglasses don't match her outfit. There is nothing in that hideous indian leather purse she has on her shoulder. She has twigs in her pigtails, untied ribbons, missing barrettes and grass stains on that dress that onlookers would never know were there on account of her lower body being cut out of the frame.

Still, she is innocent, pure and full of wonder...virtually untainted by the world around her. An empty vessel waiting to be filled with experiences, doubling over in limitless untapped potential.

I was her once - that girl of 5.

The more experienced woman of the moment admires her in retrospect, knowing that one day (upon collecting more pieces of herself) the entire body of work will smile in a moment's contentment at the end of the journey they have all embarked on.

Dream Log Entry: 11.19.10 "Help From The No One"

This is the run-down of a two part dream from the other night. I fell asleep early, woke up in the middle of the night, and went back to sleep again...only to wind up in a continuation of the first dream.


Part I:

I could hear them. Lots of them. Hundreds maybe. I could see a crowd of people swarming around me like bees  united for one central cause - yet they almost seemed to be transparent. I felt like I could have reached out my hand to them, and it would have went straight through their bodies.  Did they really exist?

No matter. They were all pleading to me. Women, children, men, old and young all gathered around me. I was surrounded; the center of an endless circle of people. People who were vocalizing their problems, no less.

"I can't understand you when you're all speaking to me at once," I tried to reason with them.

The voices grew louder and louder. I wasn't hearing them with my ears. I noticed instead that I was hearing them in my mind. Every last one of them. Not only did the voices originate from the people surrounding me, they seemed to also stem from people in other places in the world.

My head was throbbing with congestion from the scattered noise. I tried to focus my mind intently enough to pluck only one random voice out.

"Please help us..." I managed to make out amid the static. The statement came from a sickly looking middle-aged man. I wanted to help them. All of them, in fact...but at the moment I felt powerless. There were just so damned many of them.

"But I'm no one... " I whispered back in response.

I cupped my hands over my eyes and shrank into myself, "And I don't know how... "

The voice came to me, saying: This is what it's like... but fear not, for your light's much brighter than you realize. 


I woke up.



Part II: 


I saw them again. The same crowd. This time, they were smiling as they swarmed around me. They seemed to all be holding items in their hands.

"This is for you," the same sickly man from before said to me as he handed me a bundle of onions, beans and other vegetables.

"Thank you," a small child said to me as she handed me a bowl of fruit.

"I can't accept this. I don't know what I did..." I was confused. I had been there in the prior dream, returned to my own reality upon waking, and then returned here....to the same people...the same setting... though, in a continuation of the story somehow.

"You helped us," one of them said.

"Give her time. She doesn't know yet..." another stated. He was an elderly man. Blind-looking.

"At least take these then..." the sickly man (who actually wasn't sickly looking anymore) said to me, as he handed me some beans held together in a bag that resembled a fishing net. "I think you might like them."

I stared at them. They looked familiar. Where had  I seen them before?  I immediately knew that they were magic beans the second he handed them to me. . . but what kind of magic did they do?

"Yes, I think I will take these. Thank you so much." I bowed my head to him and the rest of the crowd.

Enter the voice: It will come to you. . . Sow the first seed. 

I woke up. . . again.

My dreams make me wonder who I truly am beneath this Kim suit, deep down at the core...

- kj

The Heart's Heart-To-Heart - 11.08.10

I recognize the fact that you're ready to embrace the notion of love again. I even understand the burning desire for companionship, intimacy and meaningful displays of affection.

But let's not shower it on just any ol' body. Let's love someone who's deserving of it.

Be patient.

- kj

Dream Log Entry - 11.07.10 "The Caterpillar's Secret"

Circumstance is a muthafuya with dreams, who struggles with the difficulty of executing them on account of the barricades of a reality that deadens them. Such is the nature of your fight/plight. There is great pain in becoming. . . 

These are the last words I recall upon waking. It was the voice again, trailing off into the distance of the subconscious realm.

I do not remember the details of last night's dream, save for the above. What I do know is that I arose feeling like a lab rat in a maze. I wondered what course life would ultimately take me on; wondered what it's all for. What would the outcome be?

Am I truly in control...or out of it?

I thought about all the hindrances I'd ever experienced, the deaths of loved ones who would've been a strong support system, and how it seemed as if the harder I fought, the more losses & blockages there were.

I reflected on how I've been traveling this long winding road (sun in tow) mate-less, at times car-less & penniless...at one point, a step away from homelessness...and how life has always seemed to continuously strip me bare of material entrapments at the very moment that I had finally gained/re-gained even the smallest semblance of "things" after reoccurring seasons of loss.

What is the point of it all? I can't help wondering now. I'd like to get a least a fraction of a fraction of a glimpse into the grand scheme that I am but a minuscule player in. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that of the powers that be.

The voice's statement seems to imply the undergoing of some form of preparation in my case. But preparation for what?

I can attest to the pains of constant change first-hand. Growth, it seems, involves a series of deaths/re-births or destructive/re-constructive motions. A butterfly must die as a caterpillar before it is reborn as a butterfly. I must remind myself of that from time to time. For if it can do that, then surely I can submit to my own processing. Heck, since resistance is futile, it's as if I must anyway.

But the million dollar questions that plague me on days like today are.... What is it all for? What is the sum of this divine equation? And what exactly am I becoming?

I have been wondering lately if the answer to that last question is: not at all what I (or anyone else) thought I'd be... And the uncertainty and twinge of doubt therein is a formidable thing to bout with.


Wonder if the first caterpillar was privy to the end of its story when it instinctively wrapped itself inside a cocoon for metamorphosis and came out as something else.

What were its thoughts while in the chrysalis stage? Were they similar to my own, now that I'm in hermit mode? What secrets did it tell the others about its experience?

Did it ever question Mother Nature or undergo the process with a mis-perception of what it was to be because no one told it otherwise? Did it go willingly? Or was it just forced to change?


Some have said in the past, that I should stop thinking so much about it all and just go with the flow. Have faith and tread blindly, they mean. How many of them actually follow that advice when they find themselves faced with unknowns and fork-in-road moments though? Ebb/flow is a cliche' in conscious circles that is hard to embody. So, it is human nature to wonder. Or perhaps, just mine. For, I always have.

Always questioned. Always dug much deeper than I should.  Always held my tongue or safeguarded that side of myself from people who would never understand the extent of my pondering. Always gone to great lengths to tone it down in order to achieve some sense of normalcy. Always looked into a person's eyes and saw far more than what they projected outwardly.  Always looked into the midnight sky and wondered if there were beings on other planets staring at their own midnight skies wondering the same things as me.

I was created curious. I can remember being so since as far back as my oldest memory of myself. It all has to be for a reason. Maybe the caterpillar knows.

Confound that voice.






- kj

Pillow Scream - 11.05.10

At 5:10pm my Microsoft Office, Oracle, other miscellaneous web-based company applications and hell...generally every program that I needed to conclude my day crashed on me. I threw my hands up in agony and disgust, grabbed my purse, locked my file cabinet, and left. Tasks unfinished.

Detoured to the grocery store on the way home.  I was all smiles since the check-out lines looked pretty clear going in. That excitement proved to be premature. I gathered the 8 items I needed and headed for the lines, only to find all of them magically full.

Where in grocery shopping hell did those extra people come from?  I paced for a moment, until I found the shortest route. Lucky # 7. . . Or so I thought. 

Sweet little old black lady who looked not a day over 95 is in line #7. The cashier is nearly done ringing up her items. Grandma digs in her purse - preparing to pay, I assumed. Wrong again. She whips out like 500 coupons and sifts through them with maddening slowness.

Indian guy behind me utters something in his native language that I'm pretty sure translated into: Oh, HELL naw!!! and abruptly sits his hand-held basket of items on the floor, leaves the line, and exits the store.

I should have followed suit. . . but I wanted --- no needed ---- my crab spinach dip, granola bars, assortment of fruit, berry punch, etc. I'll be damned if I made this trip for nothing. So, I remain a trooper. I wait patiently...fuming inside though. Patience is not my strong suit. At least not when waiting or lines are involved.

She's still sifting through coupons and handing select ones to the cashier while I watch with great sadness as the other lanes move steadily and their numbers dwindle. 5 minutes later, she pays.

Finally!

Premature again.

She shows the cashier the receipt and asks about toilet tissue and turkeys. Neither of which are in either of the two baskets of excessive crap that she has her grandson (presumably) guarding at the edge of the lane. I want to leave the line, but my curiosity overpowered my impatience at that point. I couldn't move. I was in shock.

She tells the cashier... "Well, I want to go and pick up one of those turkeys. I want to buy one."

The cashier (a young high school aged sista) tries to maintain her composure, though she's clearly frustrated too, I can't imagine how long this elder had been checking out prior to me walking up. "Okay, I understand. I can have one of the baggers get one for you, but maam, I need to ring up the rest of these people. You'll have to get back in the line", she told her politely.

The elder snapped back, "Well hell...that's okay then. I don't really want it no how. It ain't even Thanksgiving yet..." and with that, she snatches the receipt, slings the basket around, signals to her grandson, and exits the store.

At last, it's my turn.

10 minutes later, I'm home. I turn the key to the front door, the lock clicks smoothly, and I turn the handle. Fail.

The sun took the liberty of locking the top lock - despite me telling him 1,000 times not to ever do that prior to me getting home. I bang on the door for about 5 minutes straight........ Nothing. Freaking great. He's sleep. I just know it. 


He was. 

I can hear Sir Fredrick barking "Wake up, fool. You better get up and let her in or she's gonna be pissed..." in chihuahua language. Smart dog. I sat on the steps and tried not to blow a gasket. Breathe in. Breathe out.

20 minutes later.... 

I get up, descend the stairs, go around to the sun's bedroom window, toss a small rock at it hoping to get his attention... the rock cracks the window. Perfect.

I go back to the stairs, ascend them again, bang on the front door -- as loudly as the police would, putting my knuckles into it.

This time, he opens the door. His eyes, red from deep slumber. Mine, red with fury.

I was too defeated to be angry though. I put up the groceries, took a shower, grabbed my sushi, closed my door, looked at the ceiling (symbolic of the sky), shook my head, picked up my laptop...and started typing. Otherwise, I'da killed somebody.

Friday night insanity.

Pillow scream.

- kj

Lessons from Meditation - 10.31.10 "Baby Mama Earth"

I got lost in meditation earlier. My thoughts took me to who knows where.  I am learning to let them take the steering wheel sometimes without filtering them.

Some of the imagery used to be startling when I began practicing this calming art (meditation), and I would often find myself wanting to alter and censor what I saw. There was always this need to dress it up, make it more favorable or more to my liking.

As a result, I couldn't lose myself or embrace the stillness of it. Had to learn to "get lost in space..." (c) Radio Galaxy... lol.  Thus, I am slowly learning to let go of the desire for the misconception that is the controlling of one's thoughts. Instead, I'd just like to master them. That is, understand them somehow...Make peace with them and receive their offerings of wisdom and expression. Not wrestle them to the ground and subdue them with brute force.

Anyway, while there (wherever "there" was/is), the divine voice accompanied me. It seemed to be my tour guide, or teacher if you will, taking the lead as images flashed before me. As we floated in space, it showed me Earth from a distance...and then Earth became a small fragile egg in a vast womb.

An object hit it (a comet perhaps or a spacecraft traveling at unfathomable speed), and there was a trail of light behind it that looked like a tail from afar. There was a ripple effect - in effect, how water looks when a pebble is tossed into it. A vibration. The scene in its totality was reminiscent of a sperm making its way to a woman's egg for fertilization. And with that, the planet was pregnant with numerous life forms.

They began as tiny beings in the waters (amniotic fluid). Then, when they broke out of the water, they began to crawl, and then walk on land, until they were full fledged upright citizens - the you and me's of today. The babies had grown up right before me within a few seconds it seemed. Both amazing and bewildering to behold their gestation and development alongside the earth's.

It is a musical note whose vibration carries on, climbing level after level. Thoughts becoming real birthing more thoughts that become real, all eventualities running parallel to one another in a waltz of continuum. Creative creations creating as their Creator has - which makes them creators too. A cycle that serves as the epitome of being fruitful and multiplying oneself. Do you see?, the voice said.

"Yes. . . and I'd like to see more...I am open", I replied.

In due time, budding soul. In due time... and with that, our trip ended.

I came out of my trance...counting backwards slowly from 10 to 1, still poised lotus-style, feet and toes tingling with numbness now.  I wondered how long I'd been under.

I grabbed something to write with.


- kj