Of Love & Obligation

by: k. jefferson

A friend and I had this discussion a while back. I was in this dilemma of the heart, torn within myself, and there never seemed to be any resolution. Perhaps one of you reading this can offer up words.

Allow me to paint a scenario, if you will.

There is someone in your life who's now become a very close friend over the years. They're considerate, thoughtful, mannerable, always there for you in times of need, you can communicate with them, etc. They are all the things you'd desire in a potential partner.

However...and there's always that "however". You expected it, didn't you? lol... However, in your heart of hearts, you know there is something missing. That spark. That mutual chemistry. That feeling of  "this is the one...and no matter what challenges we have to go through to make it work, I'm willing to sacrifice for the sake of creating something beautiful with him/her."

And no matter how much you'd like for your close friend to fill that position, you know deep down in the long run, it wouldn't fit. . . because you know yourself and what truly makes you happy and keeps you engaged/involved better than anyone else.

They've expressed they want more in the past...i.e. exclusivity and possibly a relationship. You've expressed in a matter of words that you're just not there with them. When your needs don't quite match up, it's certainly not a solid foundation to base any relationship on. You back away, because being around them feels too painful at times, knowing that you don't want what they want. You don't want to lead them on.

Still there's a part of you that feels almost obligated to be with this person because of all the wonderful things about them. A part of you that feels like they've done everything to deserve you. They've put in major work. They've earned a right to be in your life. And you want them there...just not necessarily in that capacity. You've thought about it several times. Even battled yourself internally about it. . . but something just doesn't add up, and deep down you know it...but you feel like you may be cheating yourself out of something special if you let the moment pass you by.

So the question that begs to be anwered is this... In situations such as these, what do you do? Do you wait and perhaps someday platonic love will grow into romantic love (for lack of a better term)? Do you risk trying out a relationship with them to see what happens, possibly damaging your friendship if it doesn't turn out right in the future? Do you back away altogether and let go of a wonderful, beautifully spirited friend who you absolutely want in your life to some degree? By wanting to hold on to our friendship, am I indirectly blocking the way for the right person to come into both of our lives?

Why does it have to be so confusing?

Signed,
The Student of Life...and the Queen of Hearts.

past 10

past 10

by: k. jefferson  

leaky pen

while i lie fallow

vs you wallowing

in shallower ends

trying to comprehend

how i stay afloat in bottomless.

question is

what quest you in?

fancy car'd pedestrian or

molasses assed meandering

on paths where winds

turn zephyr

weather channeling

my inner jackson - never

land

greater cuz'a lesser thans

equate it to math

the 9 path laughs

a compact freelance

to calm the dance

of past 10's past tense...

I...

Woke up. Put my headphones on. Closed my eyes. Meditated. This is what came out.

I...

In the beginning there was the sound resting neatly amid the heavy, but not bound by it. It found peace in weightlessness, namelessness, formlessness...an unidentifiable vibration that only sought to be "one".

Yet, there it stood, sticking out like sore thumbs or stray brows. A rainbow hiding itself for protection. Defense mechanisms proven faulty...when it opened its mouth...and sang.

Its conflict with Self formed sparks during combat that quickly knew themselves as stars. Their hearts pulsating, giving way to life-forming frequencies.

There is power in the slightest utterances. Once spoken, motion is set into play. Regrets are as much a waste of energy as a discarded yesterday that can not be recycled. So it avoided them and settled on a present tense "this is good". . . and rested.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several millenia later, I'm...the result.

The thought that was a rainbow cloaking itself in invisibility who broke its silence unintentionally was a shadow no more when it became sound, elements, star/solar systems uniting as galaxies, life-sustaining planets, earth, soul, human, seed of father that made it to mother's egg, child thereof, female, Aries, 1st born on the 5th day preceeding Resurrection (Easter).

Kimberly they named her...and so Kimberly it became.

And it was good.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several years later, I...multiplied the result.

- K. Jefferson

Letters to Self

Instead of blogging all of my Letters to Self posts, I've been keeping up with them by saying things to myself each day. Too much to type out in the midst of daily life.

My inner dialogue has grown though.

Dream Log Entry 11.09.11 - The Beginning

just had the weirdest dream that there was an urgent news flash re: a HUGE ufo that was spotted.

satellites had captured footage of it entering our atmosphere & in the blink of an eye, it zipped down into the ocean & thru the ocean floor into the earth's crust, causing earthquake/tsunami. people were panicking saying it's the end.

the voice that always speaks to me in my dreams said, "no, this has always happened. you're just ready to see it now...it's only the beginning."

To: Self...With Love - #2

Dear Self:

Wasn't yesterday a breath of fresh air? The world seemed upright and not nearly as garbled and joy-eating as it often appears.

The art at the Project Row Houses reawakened you, I see. And to think, you almost changed your mind and decided not to go...but life found a way to draw you there.

The community embraced you. Their energy was like CPR for the soul. You had drowned. . . but to be devoured by struggle is not your destiny. Thus, those who share some of your experiences brought you back.

Art is life, my dear. Living is an artform. Blur the line.

Stay afloat.

With Love,
Me

To: Self...With Love - #1

Dear Self:

Where do I begin? Where do I end? Headphones glued to your ears again, I see. Yet another night of mentalism. Are you tuning the world out or tuning in?

And my, what self scrutinizing skills you have. The better to analyze and correct your course with, I suppose. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no move that you could possibly make that should be followed with regret.

Live...and by all means...let someone in. It's long overdue. Put a welcome mat at the door. Not a pit bull.

You're smiling now. A'tta girl.

By the way, I love you. Flaws and all...even when you're moody, insecure or sullen. Never forget it.

With Love,
Me