Dream Log Entry 11.09.11 - The Beginning

just had the weirdest dream that there was an urgent news flash re: a HUGE ufo that was spotted.

satellites had captured footage of it entering our atmosphere & in the blink of an eye, it zipped down into the ocean & thru the ocean floor into the earth's crust, causing earthquake/tsunami. people were panicking saying it's the end.

the voice that always speaks to me in my dreams said, "no, this has always happened. you're just ready to see it now...it's only the beginning."

To: Self...With Love - #2

Dear Self:

Wasn't yesterday a breath of fresh air? The world seemed upright and not nearly as garbled and joy-eating as it often appears.

The art at the Project Row Houses reawakened you, I see. And to think, you almost changed your mind and decided not to go...but life found a way to draw you there.

The community embraced you. Their energy was like CPR for the soul. You had drowned. . . but to be devoured by struggle is not your destiny. Thus, those who share some of your experiences brought you back.

Art is life, my dear. Living is an artform. Blur the line.

Stay afloat.

With Love,
Me

To: Self...With Love - #1

Dear Self:

Where do I begin? Where do I end? Headphones glued to your ears again, I see. Yet another night of mentalism. Are you tuning the world out or tuning in?

And my, what self scrutinizing skills you have. The better to analyze and correct your course with, I suppose. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no move that you could possibly make that should be followed with regret.

Live...and by all means...let someone in. It's long overdue. Put a welcome mat at the door. Not a pit bull.

You're smiling now. A'tta girl.

By the way, I love you. Flaws and all...even when you're moody, insecure or sullen. Never forget it.

With Love,
Me

Dream Log Entry 02.24.11 - Read Between the Lions (Lines)

I woke up abruptly, head throbbing and heart pumping. I couldn't find my laptop fast enough, and in a clumsy fury, I stubbed my toe (yet again) on that ugly black tv stand I've been meaning to replace. Found it. 


It is so crucial for me to document my dreams as soon as I wake up. This way, the memories are still fresh. I can still vividly feel & describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, colors, emotions, numbers, conversations or anything significant that stood out or was out of place. 


What follows is a recount of yet another lion dream. If you know me personally, then you know that lions are recurring dream figures for me. So here goes nothing... 

The sun and I were walking on what at first seemed a busy street. Then all at once the street resembled a field with high grass in the distance, and our path changed from asphalt to a trail. There were people walking with us, though I could not make out their faces. They seemed of no real significance.

There was all at once an overwhelming feeling that we were being watched.  Stalked, even. My heart began pumping rapidly, and I whispered "Whatever you do, don't run. If we do, it will chase us and probably catch & kill us. It's hardwired to hunt. So remain calm."

I felt it inching closer. So close that I could hear it breathing. It was toying with us...wanted us to know it was there now, even. Intimidation tactics. It was daring us to run. I clenched the sun's hand in mine to reinforce the fact that we should not. No sooner than I did that, the people around us broke their silence and scattered, running frantically in all directions. As a result, the lion seemed to laugh when he roared and gave chase. The screams became muffled as he caught them one by one. Easily.

We continued on. Composed, hand-in-hand (my left holding his right), and determined to live.

He returned to us and resumed his previous activity of walking behind us. This time, a little closer. And this time, the scene changed again. There was no field anymore. No trail either. Now, we were in a public place it seemed. As we walked, people stared in a frightened stupor as the lion tagged along behind us. They dropped whatever they were holding, mouths agape. Some of them screamed and ran. Others were frozen where they stood.

We remained calm. No sudden movements. Heads high. Nervousness contained. The lion edged closer. I could feel his breath now, as he reached his snout out and nudged my right hand with his nose. It took everything in me not to jump in fear. . . but his actions reminded me of a dog's when it wants you to pet it.

I took a chance and slid my hand from its nose to its head. He had a huge, thick mane of coarse hair. I scratched his head lightly as I ran my fingers through it, and slowly ceased walking. The sun followed suit. He began gently rubbing its back as I continued to rub its head. The lion sat down and began to almost purr.

He opened his mouth to yawn, exposing its incredibly long & sharp teeth. Then it spoke to me. "I could've eaten you, ya know. In fact, I wanted to. But you're different. I like you. . . Why didn't you run from me? Everyone does." He said curiously.

"I don't know. Ordinarily, I would have. But it seemed stupid to do so this time. I thought it would probably make you angrier and you'd chase us and kill us." I replied. I didn't feel frightened or nervous anymore as I engaged him.

"I see. . . I didn't want any of them. The others, I mean. That guy. That woman. Those other meaningless bobble heads. They're so typical. . . Buuut, it was all in good fun, I suppose." he said arrogantly.

"Killing them, you mean? That was good fun?" I was repulsed.

"No. That's never fun. But the chase...I live for it. It's exhilarating. That is, until I catch them.. .  And I always do. . . Now, you on the other hand. . . you ran before. . . you walked this time. . .and now you're standing here. . .  yet you're still hard to catch. I think I'll keep you."

"No, quite the contrary. I'll keep you." I replied. He smiled, a large flattered grin and suddenly his mane disappeared and he transformed into a younger male lion.

"See? Nothing to be afraid of. Feel my teeth." he opened his mouth, and I stuck my hand in to touch them. "If I wanted to kill you, I could have. In fact, I would have already done so by now. . . very easily too. But I won't hurt you. I'm really very harmless."

At that moment, a mean old woman came over to us and said, "Oh I see you've found him. We were taking him to the zoo and he escaped. We caught him in the wild and we were gonna try to domesticate him, but we might have to put him down. He keeps going crazy. I'll call the team so we can pick him up and euthanize him."  So matter-of-fact was her tone.

"I can't let you take him. He's mine. I'll take care of him." I protested.

"I won't go back with them. I'm meant to be free. Maybe I'll just kill her..." said the lion.

"No. That's how they want you to behave. Be civil and sensible." I told him.

We snuck away as the woman turned her head to call for help. Disappearing off to who knows where. The dream voice said to me as I was waking up, "Read between the lions..."

I thought, Huh? Like the show on PBS? Then it hit me...and I typed this.

She. Me. We.

She is who I was many moons ago, before I became the me I am now. She is relevant; a shining testament of what once was. What's more, she was some other me before then, and the one before her was an offspring of its predecessor.

She smiles back at me in the photograph. Past, meet your present. I am a 'now' with the future in mind.

I have learned yesterday's secrets. They went over my head then. Rightfully so; I wasn't ready. In truth, I would've squandered their value. They are reference points now.

I am learning to gift wrap the present and offer it up in exchange for tomorrows that make more sense. Such is the way of growth, I suppose...each level mounting the back of the former in building block fashion until a grand pyramid of some not so distant higher self is erected.

She smiles at me still. . . knowing all of this somehow. A suspended ageless remnant, frozen in some happy moment in time. They probably told her to 'say cheese' on the count of 3.

Her sunglasses don't match her outfit. There is nothing in that hideous indian leather purse she has on her shoulder. She has twigs in her pigtails, untied ribbons, missing barrettes and grass stains on that dress that onlookers would never know were there on account of her lower body being cut out of the frame.

Still, she is innocent, pure and full of wonder...virtually untainted by the world around her. An empty vessel waiting to be filled with experiences, doubling over in limitless untapped potential.

I was her once - that girl of 5.

The more experienced woman of the moment admires her in retrospect, knowing that one day (upon collecting more pieces of herself) the entire body of work will smile in a moment's contentment at the end of the journey they have all embarked on.

Dream Log Entry: 11.19.10 "Help From The No One"

This is the run-down of a two part dream from the other night. I fell asleep early, woke up in the middle of the night, and went back to sleep again...only to wind up in a continuation of the first dream.


Part I:

I could hear them. Lots of them. Hundreds maybe. I could see a crowd of people swarming around me like bees  united for one central cause - yet they almost seemed to be transparent. I felt like I could have reached out my hand to them, and it would have went straight through their bodies.  Did they really exist?

No matter. They were all pleading to me. Women, children, men, old and young all gathered around me. I was surrounded; the center of an endless circle of people. People who were vocalizing their problems, no less.

"I can't understand you when you're all speaking to me at once," I tried to reason with them.

The voices grew louder and louder. I wasn't hearing them with my ears. I noticed instead that I was hearing them in my mind. Every last one of them. Not only did the voices originate from the people surrounding me, they seemed to also stem from people in other places in the world.

My head was throbbing with congestion from the scattered noise. I tried to focus my mind intently enough to pluck only one random voice out.

"Please help us..." I managed to make out amid the static. The statement came from a sickly looking middle-aged man. I wanted to help them. All of them, in fact...but at the moment I felt powerless. There were just so damned many of them.

"But I'm no one... " I whispered back in response.

I cupped my hands over my eyes and shrank into myself, "And I don't know how... "

The voice came to me, saying: This is what it's like... but fear not, for your light's much brighter than you realize. 


I woke up.



Part II: 


I saw them again. The same crowd. This time, they were smiling as they swarmed around me. They seemed to all be holding items in their hands.

"This is for you," the same sickly man from before said to me as he handed me a bundle of onions, beans and other vegetables.

"Thank you," a small child said to me as she handed me a bowl of fruit.

"I can't accept this. I don't know what I did..." I was confused. I had been there in the prior dream, returned to my own reality upon waking, and then returned here....to the same people...the same setting... though, in a continuation of the story somehow.

"You helped us," one of them said.

"Give her time. She doesn't know yet..." another stated. He was an elderly man. Blind-looking.

"At least take these then..." the sickly man (who actually wasn't sickly looking anymore) said to me, as he handed me some beans held together in a bag that resembled a fishing net. "I think you might like them."

I stared at them. They looked familiar. Where had  I seen them before?  I immediately knew that they were magic beans the second he handed them to me. . . but what kind of magic did they do?

"Yes, I think I will take these. Thank you so much." I bowed my head to him and the rest of the crowd.

Enter the voice: It will come to you. . . Sow the first seed. 

I woke up. . . again.

My dreams make me wonder who I truly am beneath this Kim suit, deep down at the core...

- kj

The Heart's Heart-To-Heart - 11.08.10

I recognize the fact that you're ready to embrace the notion of love again. I even understand the burning desire for companionship, intimacy and meaningful displays of affection.

But let's not shower it on just any ol' body. Let's love someone who's deserving of it.

Be patient.

- kj