Channel Surfer

I don't have anything divine to say. Incidentally, I never do. It's all random outpourings to me.

Spirit eggs the mind on. The mind controls the rest of me. I obey. . . and you get blogs, songs, poems, sporadic conversation, and all other manner of whateverness as a result.

Thank the Great Beyond.

I'm just channeling.

And most times, I generally have no idea what I'm doing as I ride the wave.


- kj

Conversations With The Sun

by: k. jefferson



"So what does it mean?" he asks me, wide-eyed and curious, on yesterday as he studies my tattoo.

"It's the Om symbol. It means the seen/unseen, manifest/unmanifest, omnipotent/omnipresent, oneness/wholeness, the absolute...everything there was, is, and ever will be. I chant it "Om" when I meditate to connect with the universe."

"Why that one?" he probes.

"Well, because it symbolizes what phase I'm approaching in life right now. . . and well. . . since tattoos are pretty permanent and I have no regrets in life, in a way it also symbolizes how strongly I'm committing myself to what it stands for."

"I see. So what does the old one on your foot mean?" he continues.

"That one's a symbol for the word 'Rebel'," I reply.

"And so why that one? And why on your foot?" he presses on.

"Because...when a person takes that first step towards enlightenment, initially they rebel in a sense. They are choosing in that moment to go against the grain. You often go through a process of learning and seeking greater knowledge but also un-learning or rejecting everything you've been taught. It's like your eyes are opening for the first time and everything you thought to be true about the world, you soon discover, is not at all what you've been programmed to think it is. You start going around trying to tell everyone to know about this "new" knowledge you've acquired. You quote texts & can cite scriptures, books, documents, you've read. You have a point to prove. So, you're a rebel then. . . but that is the first step. A baby step. That's why it's on my foot...the lowest part of my body."

"Okay, I see." he nods. "And so now you have the Om symbol."

"Yes, I have the Om symbol now...because I've grown out of that old phase over the years, and I've been slowly transitioning over to this new one. It's higher up on my body. On my hand. . . my right one. . . my dominant hand that I do everything with - especially write and create. The right brain controls the left side - which is subconscious/creative/abstract/dream energy and the left brain controls the right side of the body - which is conscious/analytical/logical/physical energy. Since my right hand is my writing hand (controlled by the left brain), I want to always use it as a weapon for good.

I want what I'm doing in this life to have a positive impact in the long run. I want to reach people and access something deep inside them. I don't want to be just another person simply existing while seeing the conditions of the world and doing nothing about it. . . moving on with some insignificant personal life, and getting wrapped up in shit that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, while there's so much on the planet that needs healing. I want to be a bridge...a connection...something that unites different social classes, religions & races of people. I need to see that happen.

I need to experience true inner peace. That's where I'm at right now...and as I slide further over into this stage, I know one of the main lessons is to first achieve that peace within myself before I can mirror it in the world around me. Mastery through discipline, mental clarity, meditation, focus, humanitarianism, selfless acts, patience, peaceful resolution, philosophy, universal love, etc...and no longer by force, coercion, debates, protest, competition, a need to prove one's self/worth, egotism & rebellion. I need to feel "one" with it all...but I can't if it's all scattered and divided. So I have to do my part to help change that...inside me first though. Then out there." I explain...forgetting that he's just a boy for a moment and probably doesn't comprehend all of this.

I was wrong for doubting him.

He grabs my hand from across the bed and squeezes it as he stares over at me. "So it's more than just a tattoo. It's like a barrier. It channels your energy but helps you keep it under control. The left side is already calm. You know how to use it already. You're comfortable with that side.That's why you're putting them on the right side...to help you balance. I understand..."

He does.

And I love him even more for it.

He must have felt the thought when it surfaced. Half kneeling & half laying on the bed, he gets up from his spot, walks around to where I am sitting on the bed, and hugs me tightly.

No more words between us. We stay this way for several minutes...until I break the awkward silence humorously (as I always do whenever I'm nervous or afraid of feeling too vulnerable), "I'm sorry that your mother's a hippy."

He shakes his head, and asks jokingly,"Who are you? Are you my mother?". Then continues with, "Cuz you're saying that like something's wrong with it," as he stares at me.

I smile while holding back tears I don't want him to see. He leaves the room for a moment, watery eyed.

I cry for the 2nd time in one day (which is so overwhelming & out of character for me - lol). I wipe my eyes and clear my throat before he steps back in.

The moment is done. Another experience has been gained, and will be filed in the deep recesses of our memory banks forever.

I go back to hiding behind my armor as means of protection while I do my part to ensure the world's a better place....for him...and for all the suns & moons of the future.

"Let's watch a movie," I suggest.

Back to normal. Or so I thought.

"So...when are you getting another one?" he asks before we move on.

I tell him, "When it's time."



- kj

Gibberish

by: K. Jefferson

I sometimes want to express things, and can't find the words. In those moments, I often let my mind pour out what it wants to. I figure if I keep my fingers moving as I type whatever random thought that comes to mind, perhaps the chaos will organize itself and well.. form a cohesive point. Almost like a sloppy free association practice. Let's see what comes out:

Fee Fi Fo Fum. Freedom. Dee Dum. We bum. Bomb. Ton. Nun. Stun gun. Sting ray. Bengal. Tiger. Liger. Lion. Zebra. Gazelle. Serengetti. Nubia. Nile. Kemet. Pyramid. Sirus B. Dogon. Dog star. Polar opposites. Populace. Humanity. Insanity's definition. Einstein. Mankind. Self Destruct. Tilt. Balance. Challenge. Chalice. Malice. Salad. Phallus. Dallas. Maverick. Average. Cabbage. Patch. Kids. E.T. Gee Whiz. Cheese Whiz. They still make that? It was the shit back in the 90's. In Living Color. Fly girls. Dance routines. Schedules. Daily grind. Outta time. 1999. Prince. Michael. Prince Michael. Blanket. Lionus. Snoopy. Goofy. Scooby Doo. Scrappy was wack. Marmaduke. Ma Dukes. Street light hoops. Shirts & skins. GAME...BLOUSES. Trousers. Britches <-- Grandma. Country. Southern. Cornbread. Skillet. Fish grease. Did you fry the chicken in that too? And you saved it on the stove? Crisco can. Canned goods. Food drive. I need to call that Women's shelter. Volunteer. Tears upon deaf ears. She needs it more than I do. Give. Live. Live. Give. Gifts. Christmas. List us. This? Must. Materialism celebrated. Spend spend spend! Consumers 'r Us. Toys. Jeffrey the Giraffe. Aww . . Hearts. False starts. Start again. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. Do not adjust your stereo. Lab. Cab. Californication. Play Station. 360. Live. Wii Wee. Jive. Pee Wee. Herman Memorial. Service. Church of God on the mountaintop speaking to a blind man about what he saw on Maury last week. End. Begin. Again. Begin again. Beginning? End? Or just continue....

Gibberish.

Passengers on the Train of Thought

by: K. Jefferson

Ran into a friend/co-worker on the train yesterday; a wonderful Piscean woman I know whose energy I absolutely adore. There's just something to the Aries-Pisces connection that is marked by abstract thought, intuition, an unconventional take on spirituality, the unseen themes behind external events, and the ability to freakin' read each others' minds & spirits at all times. LOL... I'm sure the females I am closely connected with are laughing and nodding as they read this.

We represent the Alpha-Omega principle. Aries being the beginning of a cycle and Pisces signifying the ending of a cycle before the ascension into a new one (started over by Aries again)... and the cycles continue. We inherently understand that life is series of infinite cycles of change (or deaths & rebirths). We ensure that it keeps happening. It must.

Anyway, so as we're riding on the train (of thought - perhaps, in the grand design), the conversation sparks up randomly about our personal connections with people - especially romantically. What was both reaffirmed by both of us by the end of it, was as follows... and it is not law. It is just our realization based on our experiences and observations in life. And life is the most divine teacher.

A person is a symbol. Beyond what you see, they are a combination of qualities, attributes, elements, and energies....each individual as unique as a fingerprint, though bound by the same life force/source. As we connect with one another in life, we share those combinations with each other.

I am beginning to believe more and more through experience, analysis, observation, meditation and opening myself up more to channel divine wisdom, that our connections (friendships, relationships, affairs, encounters, etc) represent lessons at each turn. We don't realize it as we're going through the experience with that person at the time. It is usually in hindsight that it hits us, and the jigsaw falls into place revealing a more complex puzzle that spans on into the distant relative future.

Often times, we have a tendency to try to force people to be what we want them to be or yearn for situations to turn out the way we want them to. However, there's an ultimate design. That person or situation was what who/what they needed to be, when/where they needed to be it. They had a specific mission and purpose for presenting themselves to you at a specific point in time in your life.

Perhaps they represent qualities that you need to reactivate within yourself. Maybe they possess the structure that you'd like to solidify in your own life. Further still, some people are meant to test your abilities. Are you really as strong, spiritual, successful, principled, faithful, loyal, loving, virtuous, honest, generous, etc. as you claim to be?

"Let's see what you've got," those last types of energies/people seem to say to us subconsciously. Ex: That horrible situation where your partner criticizes every quality you possess, makes you doubt everything about yourself, preying heavily on your insecurities, could serve to pull out the will in you to find the beauty within yourself...and when you find it, you move on - leaving that situation (lesson) behind.

What we have to understand is that we are more than man, woman, black, white, human, earthling, ... we are life energy. And life energy is infinite and can not ever completely be contained - nor does it ever truly die. It regenerates itself through another birth into something else.

So as much as we'd like to keep the people in our lives on a leash, control them, hold them too tightly, etc...we do not own them. They have free will to choose their own course, and we can not keep them from their lessons. Let us always be reminded of that at every juncture.

Embrace the energy when it presents itself.  Surrender yourself to the sights, sounds and sensations of the experience. Use your intuition to instinctively notice when it's time to act or be still or ebb & flow. And when it's time to let go, thank the experience for finding you and do so...or you'll stunt your own growth.

The Creator/Destroyer/Life Force is omniscient (ever present). It is everywhere, in everything (including us), at every turn, in every moment. From the cosmos to the grain of sand to that crackhead on the corner to the dancer in the strip club to the micro-organisms. . . all of it. I call it "God" for the sake of conversation.

But that label sounds infantile. One can not confine the unfathomable and bind it to a name or concrete entity. Know that, like you, the people we come into contact with are a part of that same energy.


Blossom.



- kj

Of Love & Obligation

by: k. jefferson

A friend and I had this discussion a while back. I was in this dilemma of the heart, torn within myself, and there never seemed to be any resolution. Perhaps one of you reading this can offer up words.

Allow me to paint a scenario, if you will.

There is someone in your life who's now become a very close friend over the years. They're considerate, thoughtful, mannerable, always there for you in times of need, you can communicate with them, etc. They are all the things you'd desire in a potential partner.

However...and there's always that "however". You expected it, didn't you? lol... However, in your heart of hearts, you know there is something missing. That spark. That mutual chemistry. That feeling of  "this is the one...and no matter what challenges we have to go through to make it work, I'm willing to sacrifice for the sake of creating something beautiful with him/her."

And no matter how much you'd like for your close friend to fill that position, you know deep down in the long run, it wouldn't fit. . . because you know yourself and what truly makes you happy and keeps you engaged/involved better than anyone else.

They've expressed they want more in the past...i.e. exclusivity and possibly a relationship. You've expressed in a matter of words that you're just not there with them. When your needs don't quite match up, it's certainly not a solid foundation to base any relationship on. You back away, because being around them feels too painful at times, knowing that you don't want what they want. You don't want to lead them on.

Still there's a part of you that feels almost obligated to be with this person because of all the wonderful things about them. A part of you that feels like they've done everything to deserve you. They've put in major work. They've earned a right to be in your life. And you want them there...just not necessarily in that capacity. You've thought about it several times. Even battled yourself internally about it. . . but something just doesn't add up, and deep down you know it...but you feel like you may be cheating yourself out of something special if you let the moment pass you by.

So the question that begs to be anwered is this... In situations such as these, what do you do? Do you wait and perhaps someday platonic love will grow into romantic love (for lack of a better term)? Do you risk trying out a relationship with them to see what happens, possibly damaging your friendship if it doesn't turn out right in the future? Do you back away altogether and let go of a wonderful, beautifully spirited friend who you absolutely want in your life to some degree? By wanting to hold on to our friendship, am I indirectly blocking the way for the right person to come into both of our lives?

Why does it have to be so confusing?

Signed,
The Student of Life...and the Queen of Hearts.

past 10

past 10

by: k. jefferson  

leaky pen

while i lie fallow

vs you wallowing

in shallower ends

trying to comprehend

how i stay afloat in bottomless.

question is

what quest you in?

fancy car'd pedestrian or

molasses assed meandering

on paths where winds

turn zephyr

weather channeling

my inner jackson - never

land

greater cuz'a lesser thans

equate it to math

the 9 path laughs

a compact freelance

to calm the dance

of past 10's past tense...

I...

Woke up. Put my headphones on. Closed my eyes. Meditated. This is what came out.

I...

In the beginning there was the sound resting neatly amid the heavy, but not bound by it. It found peace in weightlessness, namelessness, formlessness...an unidentifiable vibration that only sought to be "one".

Yet, there it stood, sticking out like sore thumbs or stray brows. A rainbow hiding itself for protection. Defense mechanisms proven faulty...when it opened its mouth...and sang.

Its conflict with Self formed sparks during combat that quickly knew themselves as stars. Their hearts pulsating, giving way to life-forming frequencies.

There is power in the slightest utterances. Once spoken, motion is set into play. Regrets are as much a waste of energy as a discarded yesterday that can not be recycled. So it avoided them and settled on a present tense "this is good". . . and rested.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several millenia later, I'm...the result.

The thought that was a rainbow cloaking itself in invisibility who broke its silence unintentionally was a shadow no more when it became sound, elements, star/solar systems uniting as galaxies, life-sustaining planets, earth, soul, human, seed of father that made it to mother's egg, child thereof, female, Aries, 1st born on the 5th day preceeding Resurrection (Easter).

Kimberly they named her...and so Kimberly it became.

And it was good.

But the pages kept turning. The stones kept rolling. History records keep spinning. A heavy heady steady rotation in time. Sphere on axis, needle on wax, it's...sublime...and several years later, I...multiplied the result.

- K. Jefferson

Letters to Self

Instead of blogging all of my Letters to Self posts, I've been keeping up with them by saying things to myself each day. Too much to type out in the midst of daily life.

My inner dialogue has grown though.

Dream Log Entry 11.09.11 - The Beginning

just had the weirdest dream that there was an urgent news flash re: a HUGE ufo that was spotted.

satellites had captured footage of it entering our atmosphere & in the blink of an eye, it zipped down into the ocean & thru the ocean floor into the earth's crust, causing earthquake/tsunami. people were panicking saying it's the end.

the voice that always speaks to me in my dreams said, "no, this has always happened. you're just ready to see it now...it's only the beginning."

To: Self...With Love - #2

Dear Self:

Wasn't yesterday a breath of fresh air? The world seemed upright and not nearly as garbled and joy-eating as it often appears.

The art at the Project Row Houses reawakened you, I see. And to think, you almost changed your mind and decided not to go...but life found a way to draw you there.

The community embraced you. Their energy was like CPR for the soul. You had drowned. . . but to be devoured by struggle is not your destiny. Thus, those who share some of your experiences brought you back.

Art is life, my dear. Living is an artform. Blur the line.

Stay afloat.

With Love,
Me

To: Self...With Love - #1

Dear Self:

Where do I begin? Where do I end? Headphones glued to your ears again, I see. Yet another night of mentalism. Are you tuning the world out or tuning in?

And my, what self scrutinizing skills you have. The better to analyze and correct your course with, I suppose. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no move that you could possibly make that should be followed with regret.

Live...and by all means...let someone in. It's long overdue. Put a welcome mat at the door. Not a pit bull.

You're smiling now. A'tta girl.

By the way, I love you. Flaws and all...even when you're moody, insecure or sullen. Never forget it.

With Love,
Me

Dream Log Entry 02.24.11 - Read Between the Lions (Lines)

I woke up abruptly, head throbbing and heart pumping. I couldn't find my laptop fast enough, and in a clumsy fury, I stubbed my toe (yet again) on that ugly black tv stand I've been meaning to replace. Found it. 


It is so crucial for me to document my dreams as soon as I wake up. This way, the memories are still fresh. I can still vividly feel & describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, colors, emotions, numbers, conversations or anything significant that stood out or was out of place. 


What follows is a recount of yet another lion dream. If you know me personally, then you know that lions are recurring dream figures for me. So here goes nothing... 

The sun and I were walking on what at first seemed a busy street. Then all at once the street resembled a field with high grass in the distance, and our path changed from asphalt to a trail. There were people walking with us, though I could not make out their faces. They seemed of no real significance.

There was all at once an overwhelming feeling that we were being watched.  Stalked, even. My heart began pumping rapidly, and I whispered "Whatever you do, don't run. If we do, it will chase us and probably catch & kill us. It's hardwired to hunt. So remain calm."

I felt it inching closer. So close that I could hear it breathing. It was toying with us...wanted us to know it was there now, even. Intimidation tactics. It was daring us to run. I clenched the sun's hand in mine to reinforce the fact that we should not. No sooner than I did that, the people around us broke their silence and scattered, running frantically in all directions. As a result, the lion seemed to laugh when he roared and gave chase. The screams became muffled as he caught them one by one. Easily.

We continued on. Composed, hand-in-hand (my left holding his right), and determined to live.

He returned to us and resumed his previous activity of walking behind us. This time, a little closer. And this time, the scene changed again. There was no field anymore. No trail either. Now, we were in a public place it seemed. As we walked, people stared in a frightened stupor as the lion tagged along behind us. They dropped whatever they were holding, mouths agape. Some of them screamed and ran. Others were frozen where they stood.

We remained calm. No sudden movements. Heads high. Nervousness contained. The lion edged closer. I could feel his breath now, as he reached his snout out and nudged my right hand with his nose. It took everything in me not to jump in fear. . . but his actions reminded me of a dog's when it wants you to pet it.

I took a chance and slid my hand from its nose to its head. He had a huge, thick mane of coarse hair. I scratched his head lightly as I ran my fingers through it, and slowly ceased walking. The sun followed suit. He began gently rubbing its back as I continued to rub its head. The lion sat down and began to almost purr.

He opened his mouth to yawn, exposing its incredibly long & sharp teeth. Then it spoke to me. "I could've eaten you, ya know. In fact, I wanted to. But you're different. I like you. . . Why didn't you run from me? Everyone does." He said curiously.

"I don't know. Ordinarily, I would have. But it seemed stupid to do so this time. I thought it would probably make you angrier and you'd chase us and kill us." I replied. I didn't feel frightened or nervous anymore as I engaged him.

"I see. . . I didn't want any of them. The others, I mean. That guy. That woman. Those other meaningless bobble heads. They're so typical. . . Buuut, it was all in good fun, I suppose." he said arrogantly.

"Killing them, you mean? That was good fun?" I was repulsed.

"No. That's never fun. But the chase...I live for it. It's exhilarating. That is, until I catch them.. .  And I always do. . . Now, you on the other hand. . . you ran before. . . you walked this time. . .and now you're standing here. . .  yet you're still hard to catch. I think I'll keep you."

"No, quite the contrary. I'll keep you." I replied. He smiled, a large flattered grin and suddenly his mane disappeared and he transformed into a younger male lion.

"See? Nothing to be afraid of. Feel my teeth." he opened his mouth, and I stuck my hand in to touch them. "If I wanted to kill you, I could have. In fact, I would have already done so by now. . . very easily too. But I won't hurt you. I'm really very harmless."

At that moment, a mean old woman came over to us and said, "Oh I see you've found him. We were taking him to the zoo and he escaped. We caught him in the wild and we were gonna try to domesticate him, but we might have to put him down. He keeps going crazy. I'll call the team so we can pick him up and euthanize him."  So matter-of-fact was her tone.

"I can't let you take him. He's mine. I'll take care of him." I protested.

"I won't go back with them. I'm meant to be free. Maybe I'll just kill her..." said the lion.

"No. That's how they want you to behave. Be civil and sensible." I told him.

We snuck away as the woman turned her head to call for help. Disappearing off to who knows where. The dream voice said to me as I was waking up, "Read between the lions..."

I thought, Huh? Like the show on PBS? Then it hit me...and I typed this.

She. Me. We.

She is who I was many moons ago, before I became the me I am now. She is relevant; a shining testament of what once was. What's more, she was some other me before then, and the one before her was an offspring of its predecessor.

She smiles back at me in the photograph. Past, meet your present. I am a 'now' with the future in mind.

I have learned yesterday's secrets. They went over my head then. Rightfully so; I wasn't ready. In truth, I would've squandered their value. They are reference points now.

I am learning to gift wrap the present and offer it up in exchange for tomorrows that make more sense. Such is the way of growth, I suppose...each level mounting the back of the former in building block fashion until a grand pyramid of some not so distant higher self is erected.

She smiles at me still. . . knowing all of this somehow. A suspended ageless remnant, frozen in some happy moment in time. They probably told her to 'say cheese' on the count of 3.

Her sunglasses don't match her outfit. There is nothing in that hideous indian leather purse she has on her shoulder. She has twigs in her pigtails, untied ribbons, missing barrettes and grass stains on that dress that onlookers would never know were there on account of her lower body being cut out of the frame.

Still, she is innocent, pure and full of wonder...virtually untainted by the world around her. An empty vessel waiting to be filled with experiences, doubling over in limitless untapped potential.

I was her once - that girl of 5.

The more experienced woman of the moment admires her in retrospect, knowing that one day (upon collecting more pieces of herself) the entire body of work will smile in a moment's contentment at the end of the journey they have all embarked on.